My eyes widened in confusion. I could hear my muscles cringing at the gasps and short unbearable breaths. It was like people struggling to have their voices heard- like they were trying desperately to speak but they simply were unable to. The shrill wheeze of a hardly successful inhale was suddenly halted by the forced partial cough of an incomplete exhale. An unexpected murmur of a language I never knew existed bubbled for a mere moment in the audio, and then vanished. Following a paltry, practically nonexistent moment of calm hums, a storm of tongues clicking, lips smacking and puckering up to make grandmother-like smooches echoed continually. A surprising gust of air being sucked hopelessly down their throats haunted me again and were cut short by a far away, hearty cackle, drawing my attention to its clearly sinful intentions. Displaying the features of a broken record, the ululating branding into my memory. As if trying to choke me in the middle of listening, distressed hiccuping sounds pierced my eardrums and spiraled down my throat breaking through the narrow opening to my quickly condensing lungs. Loud grunts shadowed mystifying howls as it hauled my unwilling mind closer and closer with each deepening caterwaul. Short snippets of baby coo-like noises bounced off of the edges of the sharp spikes of the slow wails. My ears vibrated with the pressure of the consistent backward smooches from their puckered lips. The tongues were still smacking away in rhythm with the snaps of hundreds of fingers. I grimaced in pain with the suffering of those hundreds of people reluctantly snapping along to the tempo of the pulsing discomfort. With a mutter of perfunctory jumbled words, it all stopped. Leaving me stunned and lost in silence.
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I love how you described this unknown language. How it was a murmur of a language you never knew existed. It must've been like walking into an arabian market.
ReplyDeletei loved how you used metaphors when you said a broken record. It was presented in a very interesting way.I also like how you painted the sound for the audience.
I think that if you cut out more of you in the story, it would help us visualize it. I'm not saying that it was a bad idea, but we're writing about the sound, and it somewhat breaks off from your focus. Your writing is impressive, but I'm not sure that including your own body would fit into this situation
First of all, good choice in sound. I found it way more interesting than mine. I thought you were descriptive when you said you could hear your muscles cringe rather than feel them. I was captured in your description when you stated "A surprising gust of air being sucked hopelessly down their throats haunted me again and were cut short by a far away, hearty cackle, drawing my attention to its clearly sinful intentions".
ReplyDeleteI liked how you gave each and every sound a different description. You used a lot of good verbs like bubbled to give your sounds character. Good use of similes when you said, "struggling to have their voices heard- like they were trying desperately to speak...".
I thought you did a good job and I think you should try to put a bit less of you in the story and a bit more of the sound to help visualize the sound more than you. Other than that I can't think of much to improve on. Once again, great sound description and great sound.
It was awsome how you said it was like short unbarable breaths it really painted a picture in my mind. I Could really see people just standing there trying to catch thier breath but they can't. Good chioce of words.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you gave everyhting a diferent discription using lots of verbs that really told the reader the spesifics. Like when you said "a storm of tounges clicking" it wasn't just telling me it was really showing me what was going on. You also used great metaphors and similes "it was like people struggling to have thier voices heard" great discription.
I agree witn kenan and vincent I think you should have put more of just the sound into it. A little bit of you is fine but to much just really takes away from your writing. Other then that it was unbeliveablely good.